SHE LOVED THE SHIRT

My Mother had eleven brothers and sisters. Uncle Frank was the only one still living. When his wife Elsie died he knocked on my door and asked if he could move in. I didn’t want him there but what was I going to say to a lonely old man?

It turned out I was wrong about the lonely part.

 

*            *            *

 

“How long have I been living with you, Joey?”

“Three very entertaining months, Uncle Frank. So far you’ve been arrested for trespassing on government property, disorderly conduct, driving without a license and skinny dipping in a public fountain. Did I miss anything?”

“Yes. First, I wasn’t trespassing, I’m a taxpayer. Second, I didn’t start the fight. Third, everyone else was drunk so I had to drive. Fourth, it was hot and we needed to cool off. And by the way, you left out the most important part. I’m having fun.”

“I hope you’re finished, I have to go to work.”

“No, Joey. I’m not finished. I need a favor.”

“What kind of favor?”

“Her name is Tracey.”

“What kind of favor, Uncle Frank?”

“I want you to go out with her.”

“Why?”

“Tracey is my girlfriend’s niece.”

“So why do I need to go out with her?”

“You’ll like Tracey.”

“What does she look like?”

“She has a good job.”

“Uncle Frank, I asked you what she looks like.”

“She drives a nice car.”

“For the last time, what does she look like?”

“She has blue eyes, really pretty blue eyes.”

“She’s fat, right.”

“She has a nice personality.”

“She’s fat.”

Now I had a tough decision to make. Did I want to shoot him? Did I want to stab him? Did I want to strangle him? How about all three?

 

*            *            *

 

Friday night, I’m ready for my date with Tracey. Uncle Frank shows up with a shopping bag.

“What’s going on?”

He pulls a shirt out of the bag.

“Here, put this on.”

“What’s wrong with the shirt I have on?”

“Nothing is wrong with it if you’re a monk.”

I tried the shirt on. It was purple with lightning bolts.

“Now you got the smoke rolling – you look great.”

“Remember your promise. This is the first and last date with Tracey.”

“One more thing, Joey.”

“Now what?”

“Clip that hair in your nose or we’ll have to put a hook on it and go fishing.”

“Good bye, Uncle Frank”

 

     *            *           *

 

He was right about her eyes.  They were pretty, very pretty. I was right about her size. She was fat, very fat.

 

    *            *            *

 

The next morning when I came home Uncle Frank was sitting at the kitchen table.

My shirt, the one he gave me, was torn and blood stained. My face had stitches under one eye.

“Good morning, Uncle Frank.”

He took a long time answering.

“Let me guess,” he said. She didn’t like the shirt.”

“No, Uncle Frank. She loved the shirt.”

“Then what happened?”

“We were sitting in the restaurant. I said I’d be right back. On the way to the restroom a guy I knew from work who saw me walk in with Tracey held his arms apart as far as they would go. Then he said is that what they mean by a double date? So I punched him in the face. The only problem was I didn’t notice the two friends he had with him. I spent the rest of the night in the hospital and at the police station.”

“Maybe you should try a different restaurant.”

“Maybe you should get out-of-town.”

“Don’t worry, Joey. You know what they say.”

“No, Uncle Frank. I don’t know what they say.”

“They say One Monkey Don’t Stop The Show.”

“What does that mean?”

Uncle Frank stood up and saluted.

“I have a new girlfriend.”

“What happened to the one that helped create the mess I got into?”

“I caught her showing the tattoo on her butt to my best friend and now she is my ex-girl friend and he is my ex-best friend.”

“I hope your new girlfriend doesn’t have a niece.”

“Let me put it this way, Joey. She’s gonna love your new shirt.”

 

*            *            *

 

I killed Uncle Frank.

*            *            *

 

“Wake up, Joey. Wake up.”

“Uncle Frank, you’re alive.”

“Of course I’m alive. You must have had a nightmare.”

“What time is it?”

“Time for you to get ready. Here’s your new shirt.”

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RED NOSE IN THE MORNING

“No matter how you feel…Get up. Dress up. Show up. And never give up.”

Regina Brett, newspaper columnist

 

How do you start your day?

Let me tell you how I start mine.

The alarm clock goes off at 5AM. Feet hit the floor and I head to the bathroom.  After a short visit to the commode, it’s time to face the mirror. A splash of cold water, fully awake now –  it’s show time! From the pocket of my bathrobe, I pull out a red clown nose.

This is the magic.

Looking into the mirror, the clown looking back at me now, I say out loud.

“Today I’m going to make someone glad they met me.”

It’s only a few minutes after five and I’m about to make what could be the most important decision of the day. In the words of author George Eliot, “Wear a smile and have friends; wear a scowl and have wrinkles.”

Yes, this may sound a bit silly. I’ll even admit to weird. But think about it. I’m 65, most likely I have less years in front of me than I do behind. So how do I want to leave the world stage that Shakespeare wrote about. I’ll take my cue from the Dalai Lama, spiritual leader of Tibet. He said, “My religion is very simple, my religion is kindness.”

I won’t really be wearing that red nose the rest of the day, except in my imagination, where it’s still there and I’m in the center ring at the circus.

Now I will confess, there are some days when this little ritual is harder to perform than others. And I’ll also admit it can sometimes be a bit challenging to choose kindness over telling someone where the nearest lake is you want them to jump in. It comes down to a question, “Do I want to be a cranky old geezer or a zany clown who leaves them laughing?”

My wife and our cat are the first to receive my positive vibrations. And how important is that? What do you want your last words to be to the person and animal you love the most? After all, we’re never certain when we’ll be speaking those last words. Years ago there was a television commercial telling us to never leave home without a certain credit card. I say never leave home without leaving some kind words behind.

Out the door on the way to the car, if I spot a neighbor or two, “Good morning”

On the way to work, if someone makes eye contact at a traffic light they get a smile.

At the preschool where I work the kids and staff get an enthusiastic greeting.

Store clerks, bank tellers and the person who delivers our mail are fair game.

Watch out! You may be next.

At the end of the day, kindness may not have made my bank account any bigger. But for some reason, I feel very rich.

 

Visit me at www.buddybloomwildflower.com

 

 

 

 

STEWING IS WORSE THAN DOING

“If you have to eat a big ugly frog, you don’t want to look at it too long.”

Bubba Brown

 

A little boy spent most of the day walking around the block where he lived. Finally one of his neighbors asked him what he was doing.

“I’m running away from home,” the little boy said.

“How can you run away if you stay on the same block?” the neighbor asked.

The little boy answered, “I’m not allowed to cross the street.”

At times running away seems like a pretty good idea. I tried it a couple of times but I didn’t get very far. The truth is no matter where you go, there you are. Running away from a problem does not solve it.

Win, lose, or draw the best thing to do is stand up to whatever is in the way and take action.

On the subject of action, Winston Churchill had this to say, “I like things to happen; and if they don’t happen, I like to make them happen.”

Theodore Roosevelt said, “Get action. Do things; be sane; don’t fritter away your time; create, act, take a place wherever you are and be somebody; get action.”

Rocky Blier played football for the champion Pittsburgh Steelers. He was joyfully living his dream until he was drafted into the army and sent to Vietnam. An enemy grenade ripped off part of his foot.

Doctors told him he would never walk or run normally. They also told him his football career was over.

Rocky told the doctors they were wrong. He would walk and he would run. And if his football career was over, he preferred to find out on the playing field.

Rocky got back in shape. He learned to walk and run with what was left of his foot. He came back and once again played championship football for the Steelers. Rocky knew the difference between stewing and doing. He took action. Suppose it turned out that he couldn’t play football. In my opinion he would still be a winner because he had the courage to try.

It may not be a grenade blowing your foot off but sooner or later, life is going to clobber you. That’s for sure. So get clobbered chasing your dream. Every piece of you is going to be glad you tried.

Referring to matters of the heart Tennyson wrote, “It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.”

Theodore Roosevelt got it right. He said, “Far better it is to dare mighty things, to win glorious triumphs even though checkered by failures, than to rank with those poor spirits who neither enjoy nor suffer much because they live in the gray twilight that knows neither victory nor defeat.”

 

STOP STEWING AND START DOING!

 

“For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.”

2 Timothy 1:7

 

Visit me at www.buddybloomwildflower.com

 

 

ONE STEP AT A TIME

“Some people walk in the rain, others just get wet.”

Roger Miller, singer and songwriter

 

I’ve been running since 1986.

No.

I’m not running from the law or a bill collector.

I began running as therapy for depression. I’m feeling better, thank you, but I’m still running.

I’ve run in so many kinds of weather that I’m more than qualified to work for the post office delivering mail. Today, I ran three miles in the rain. It felt great. A warm spring day, no chill in the air. I laughed and splashed my way down the road.

Funny thing about rain…

Sometimes it drizzles.

Sometimes it comes down in sheets.

Sometimes it comes down in buckets.

Sometimes it sprinkles.

Sometimes it rains cats and dogs.

Funny thing about trouble, it’s a lot like rain.

Sometimes it drizzles.

Sometimes it comes down in sheets.

Sometimes it comes down in buckets.

Sometimes it sprinkles.

Every now and then Snoopy, from the comic strip, Peanuts, can be found sitting on top of his doghouse, hammering away on a typewriter. His stories often begin with, “It was a dark and stormy night.” I think Snoopy had me in mind because 1986 was a dark and stormy time in my life. Sometimes it seemed the night and the rain would never end. I began treatment for depression. The doctor prescribed medication and suggested I begin running everyday.

At a track near my home, I began running quarter-mile laps. For a long time it was the best part of my day. I was getting pretty good at running in circles when I saw a notice in the paper for a 10K race.

I wasn’t sure how far 10K was but I signed up. It turned out to be 6.2 miles and I finished in good shape.

My confidence was building. I signed up for a 10-mile race and finished it too. Now, looming on the horizon was The Columbus Marathon, a 26.2 mile race. At the time I wasn’t even sure the car I had could be driven 26 miles. It seemed a long way to run. Still, I had nothing to lose. A few months later I became part of a 6,000 runner stampede thundering through the streets of Columbus.

How do you run 26.2 miles?

One step at a time…left foot, right foot, a whole bunch of times.

That’s what I did.

I was tired. I was cold. I was sore.

Did I want to quit?

Yes.

Did I quit?

No.

As the Japanese say, “The dog that wags it’s tail won’t be beaten.”

I finished that marathon race and so far 40 more just like it.

You have to run life the same way.

One step at a time, one day at a time, and no matter what keep wagging your tail. There will one day be a rainbow.

 

“In God have I put my trust: I will not be afraid…”

Psalm 56:11

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CARTWHEELS AND MUD PIES

“There are no seven wonders of the world in the eyes of a child. There are seven million.”

Walt Streightiff, author

 

Not long ago on my way home from work I stopped at the grocery store. I was hungry and I was in a hurry. I grabbed a shopping cart and began zooming up one aisle and down the next, tossing what I needed into the basket. As I rounded the corner, heading for the oatmeal, just a few feet ahead of me was a young girl and her mother. While the mother was flipping through some coupons, the little girl began doing cartwheels down the isle.

The mother looked up long enough to say, “Stop it. Act your age.”

It seemed to me the little girl was acting her age. Perhaps the grocery store is not the ideal place to be doing cartwheels, but then again, maybe it is. Maybe we would all be better adults if we learned to be better children. In the middle of our worry and hurry just suppose we stopped long enough to do a few cartwheels or something else just as silly.

When was the last time you made a mud pie? When was the last time you played with a Yo Yo?

When was the last time you flew a kite?

I agree with Robert Ingersoll who wrote, “The time to be happy is now, the place to be happy is here.”

Have you ever noticed that wherever children are they can find a way to have fun? What are we grown ups waiting for? True, there is plenty of trouble in the world, but there is also a million ways to have fun. Don’t postpone joy.

Once upon a time a little old lady was driving her car down the road. On the seat beside her was a pig. A Highway Patrolman stopped her for speeding. While the officer was writing out the ticket, the little old lady explained that she found the pig walking down the road and didn’t know what to do with it. The officer told her to take the pig to the zoo.

The very next day the very same little old lady was driving down the very same road with the very same pig still on the very same seat beside her. Once again the very same Highway Patrolman stopped her for speeding. When he saw the pig beside her he said, “I thought I told you to take that pig to the zoo.”

The little old lady smiled then said to the officer, “I did take the pig to the zoo and he had such a great time that today, after lunch, I’m going to take him to the circus.”

Today, be childlike and have some fun. Go to the zoo. Go to the circus. And if you don’t have someone to go with, take a pig.

 

“A merry heart doeth good like a medicine.”

Proverbs 17:22

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BE KIND

“You are never too old to set another goal or to dream a new dream.”

C.S. Lewis, author

I like to eat.

Some times I like to eat a lot.

That’s why I look forward to grocery shopping.

And it was while waiting in the checkout line with my food in the basket that I met a man who would change my life.

He was a well dressed elderly gentleman, clean, and well-groomed. But his attitude was in need of an adjustment.

“I hate coming to the grocery store,” he told the cashier.

He was loud enough to get the attention of the other customers and staff several isles in each direction.

“I hate coming to the grocery store,” he repeated even louder.

The cashier stopped working for a moment to make eye contact with the man. Then, choosing not to respond, began ringing up his groceries.

The old man continued, “I go to the bank once a week and the grocery once a week and I hate it.”

I hoped his attitude wasn’t contagious because I certainly didn’t want to catch whatever disease he had. He paid for his groceries, shoving money at the cashier, then he took off with his basket like a bull charging the matador, leaving the rest of us shaking our heads in disbelief.

I was already in the habit of being nice to people, especially the folks working in checkout lines. But this guy made me want to try a little harder. At the end of the work day, I want the cashier at the store and the teller at the bank to be glad they waited on me.

True, I don’t know anything about that old man in the checkout line except the way I saw him act.

But as a wise man pointed out, “You never get a second chance to make a first impression.” Maybe the rest of his life was a mess but there are counselors and ministers standing by to help him sort out his issues. Cashiers are there to take your money, not your bad karma.

So the old man got me thinking. I had to set some new goals. Not far from the grocery store, people were lining up at a food pantry. They didn’t have the privilege of cruising up and down the isles, choosing what would be for breakfast and dinner.

GOAL NUMBER ONE: Already in the habit of counting my blessings, I would count them more often and with greater enthusiasm.

GOAL NUMBER TWO: I like it when people are kind to me. So I’m going to double my efforts to be kind, even to that old man in the checkout line.

“If you go to work on your goals, your goals will go to work on you.

If you go to work on your plan, your plan will go to work on you.

Whatever good things we build end up building us.”

Jim Rohn, author

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BEFORE THE TROUBLE STARTS

“The real man smiles in trouble, gathers strength from distress, and grows brave by reflection.”

Thomas Paine, political activist and philosopher

 

Once upon a time a man walked into a restaurant and sat down. He said to the waitress, “Let me have a cup of coffee before the trouble starts.”

The waitress brought the man a cup of coffee.

“Will there be anything else?” the waitress asked.

“Yes,” said the man. “Please bring me a cheeseburger before the trouble starts.”

The waitress brought the man a cheeseburger and like before asked, “Will there be anything else?”

The man answered, “Yes, I’d like you to bring me a piece of pumpkin pie before the trouble starts.”

The waitress brought the man a piece of pumpkin pie. Once again she asked, “Will there be anything else?”

The man answered, “No.”

The waitress said to the man, “Do you mind if I ask you something?”

The man said, “No, go right ahead.”

The waitress said, “Every time you order something you say, ‘Before the trouble starts.’ Now what trouble are you talking about? What trouble is going to start?”

The man finished eating his cheeseburger and pie, then slurped down his coffee and wiped his chin.

“The trouble starts,” he said, “when you find out I don’t have any money to pay for this.”

Webster’s Dictionary defines trouble as “…a state or condition of distress, annoyance, or difficulty.”

Here are a few facts about trouble.

First, trouble is a part of life. As long as you are alive on this earth you are going to experience trouble.

Second, trouble does not play fair. It does not care how much money you have in the bank, who you know or where you work. When trouble decides to come looking for you, it will find you.

Third, what you think and do about your trouble will always be more important than the trouble itself.

Mark Twain said, “Drag your thoughts away from your troubles by the ears, by the heels, or any other way you can manage it. It’s the healthiest thing a body can do.”

I heard a story about a snail who knocked on a man’s door. The man opened the door, saw the snail, picked it up and threw it across the yard. Two years later that same snail knocked on the door again.

When the man opened the door, the snail said, “Now what was that all about?”

When people hurt you or trouble kicks you in the pants, “What was that about?” may not be the right question.

Some other questions you may want to consider are:

“What can I learn from this?’

“What is funny about this?”

The Boy Scouts taught me to, “Be Prepared.”

So before the trouble starts, fill your heart and soul with plenty of faith, hope, and courage.

“In this world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world.”

John 16:33

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